I wrote this at 12:01 a.m. on Monday, Feb. 13, 2006
<<Religious side..?
>>
its cool cuz no one reads these anymore... and the people i REALLY dont want to read this dont have diaryland at all... so i can write whatever i want. everyone has myspace now... well... ive been going thru SO much shit lately. way too much for a senior year in highschool. it should be chill... no drama. but its not... im ready to go. so ready... actually, i visited a college for the wkend, and it just made me want to go more. I didnt miss anyone... no one. it was great.. completely on my own with actual mature people! and the fact that i was surrounded by christians really was pretty cool. ive been turning more to God in my times of dissapointment. yes, i know, its strange for me. Im not a very religious person. Too many people expect it. Yes, im a christian, and sometimes i may not act like it... but i realize i need to turn more to God. I like being at this place, but i dont think I could go here... Lately, some prayers have been answered, and it was just such a great feeling to realize God hadnt left me. Sometimes I wonder,because everyone talks about having this great breakthrough and this deep love and God "told" them... I never feel that. Just getting my prayers answered was the most feeling Ive ever gotten. My once best friend has completely abandoned me, and i know that this is the part where i should say God is the friend that will never leave me... but i cant do that just yet. Im too hurt... everyone I have ever let myself trust has hurt me in a huge way. I know everyone at some point will let you down. a good friend said that God gave you friends and you should trust them, but what if i have no God-given friends? none of my friends are that close... that trustworthy... and that God-given at all. I realize this... I know i need new friends. I dont feel happy with them anymore... That may sound horrible, but i just know... i mean, look at all Ive been thru.. if these people were Godsent, i wouldnt have been through as much with them. If anything, i was sent by God to help them... And i prolly didnt fulfill my duty. I mean, i was there... and i trie dto talk to him about God. People like that just want nothing to do with God, especially after everything hes been thru. DOnt get me wrong, i love all my friends, im just starting to doubt if were all meant to be together... hopefully ill meet the right people in college. Good christian people that i can pour my heart into and not get hurt in the end... I want a guy like that... i read a book that said you have to let everything go. put it all in his hands... and i know i cant do that. im not that good of a christian. imnot gonna say ill do something when on the inside i know i wont... i guess i just need help. keep praying... i like partying too much tho... i really do. and that prolly sounds horrible too... i dunno. im so mixed up on the inside... i dont know what to do. I need someone...
